Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
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Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.