me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
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[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Yes
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels