It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
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gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
my nickname in college
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
I want this so bad