twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
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Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.