worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
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Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
🤣could you imagine
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.