Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
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I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
I want to meet the individual who made this
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?