*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
You Might Also Like
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
I鈥檓 not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there鈥檚 such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that鈥檚 him
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do馃憦you馃憦want馃憦a馃憦ham馃憦sandwich馃憦or馃憦turkey馃憦and馃憦cheese
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written