One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
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CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Smooooooth
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.