Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
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Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Day 2 of my diet
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
wtf is a larm clock?
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.