They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
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[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.