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cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.