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“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”


New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.


Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.


mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day


[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*


Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up

Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday

Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!


What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.


Him: Shall we have sex?

Her: I want to wait til we’re married

Him: Ugh fine

Priest: Shall I continue?


Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.


Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets