@memesiwish
@IamJackBoot “You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
You Might Also Like
@IamJackBoot 
@HatfieldAnne New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
@BobTheSuit Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
@scootergonscoot mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
@OtherDanOBrien [Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
@DaddyJew Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
@TuffyNyC What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
@MarfSalvador Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
@Dawn_M_ Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
@DothTheDoth Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets