You Might Also Like
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy