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@IamJackBoot

“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”

@HatfieldAnne

New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.

@BobTheSuit

Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.

@scootergonscoot

mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day

@OtherDanOBrien

[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU

@DaddyJew

Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up

Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday

Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!

@TuffyNyC

What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.

@MarfSalvador

Him: Shall we have sex?

Her: I want to wait til we’re married

Him: Ugh fine

Priest: Shall I continue?

@Dawn_M_

Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.

@DothTheDoth

Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets