Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
You Might Also Like
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.