@BruceForce

How to pick up a girl in a club:

1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff

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@TheAlexNevil

Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.

@GloriaFallon123

When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.

@TheRealNickKay

SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox

@OakHill_

‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”

– probiotic

“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”

– amateur biotic

@vlowgoes

My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.

We go on tour in the fall.

@dog_feelings

the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve

@TrophyCatas

Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.

Inspirational tweet.

@tarashoe

well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon

@mdob11

Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?