How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
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I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Pickled cat.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘