I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
You Might Also Like
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
A completely valid reaction tbh
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love