Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
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A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do