Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
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Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters