All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
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Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.