Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
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A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
At least try to make it slightly believable
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Whisper out to librarians!
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop