Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
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I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
BETRAYAL
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Meme Monday.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg