Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
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If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
He-man has a Masters degree
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty