Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
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Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.