Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
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me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .
Well… I can’t see that taking off…
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
I love twitter
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there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
One of the best
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.