I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .
Well… I can’t see that taking off…
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If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.