Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
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Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me