I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
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Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.