What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
You Might Also Like
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping
Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
We like the way Dwight thinks
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.