What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
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“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!![]()
Is….Is this an option?
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explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Need WebMD
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Email translations:
“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy
Me: it shows
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”