We like the way Dwight thinks
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At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.