me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
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There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
I feel this so hard
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.