After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
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Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.