Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
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I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail