All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
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We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David