[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
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My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic