[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
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{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.