You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
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Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT