people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
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I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you