MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
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dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting