“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
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*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.