Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
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The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk