Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
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Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO