Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
You Might Also Like
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
reminder
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Mornin
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.