If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
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Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)