me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
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I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.