me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
You Might Also Like
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
This was my dad’s browser history.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti