So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…

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“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week


Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.

I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.


There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.


When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”


Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.


What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?


“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.


When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.


The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.