So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
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For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Cat is stressing him out.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
finally found a reasonable question
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.