@PaulyPeligroso

So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…

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@DrakeGatsby

“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week

@iAmDelFreaky

Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.

I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.

@jshbck

There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.

@inconsequentia2

When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”

@theNuzzy

Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.

@ChrisThayerSays

What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?

@amburgklur

“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.

@BerrymoreBlue

When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.

@Anniewritess

The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.