If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
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that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
wishing you and yours all the best
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke