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HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
The happy life.. 😊
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”