if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Customer is always right
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel