“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
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*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
✌️
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Woke up against my better judgment again
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.