Woke up against my better judgment again
You Might Also Like
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?