How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
You Might Also Like
Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*