How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
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A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
grotesque if literal: baby food
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.