Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
You Might Also Like
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Why font matters.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
“What?”
– Jude
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.