My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
You Might Also Like
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
🤣🤣🤣
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.